


Bobby b.

by Zeeek



Category: These things happen - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:41:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27473683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeeek/pseuds/Zeeek
Summary: These things happen





	Bobby b.

I didn’t expect to be pseudo reincarnated when I died, I didn’t think heaven and hell were in the cards either...I expected to simply cease existing. I always found that to be a relaxing thought, the idea that one day it would all be over.

Well, joke was on me, now I’m in a supposed fictional universe stuck as the once and future shitty king.

I read the first few books as a kid, but the long wait between books made caring about what happened in the story impossible for me. Some of my coworkers were obsessed with the TV show, but I had too many real life concerns to get into the TV show.

It also didn’t help that, according to my admittedly piecemeal remembrance of the show and books, the story had gone off the rails sometime around my, new, 5th birthday.

Stannis and I get along perfectly fine, I simply don’t have the ability to be as much of an arrogant, bully, jackass as the original flavor.

I also wouldn’t be able to sleep around with servants and whores like he did, both would feel too much like rape to me. What servant would turn down their lord? Are the whores actually doing their job voluntarily?

It also didn’t help that I was catastrophically straight in my last life, and this reincarnation thing didn’t really change me all that much. You can move away from everything but yourself.

I had hoped that with new biology there would come new thought patterns, new hormones, new me. This character was also catastrophically straight, and doesn’t that just sound dangerously dissociative. 

I thought things would be settled and solved by puberty kicking in. One more thing I was wrong about, puberty kicked in and I still found the idea of dealing with a pussy, that wasn’t my own, kind of gross. 

Oh, I won’t be as bad a Renly. I’ll get a wife and I’ll get her pregnant. I’m not that stupid or selfish so as to cause inheritances issues, I am just really going to miss getting the good dick. 

I also put more effort in learning the necessary skills on how to govern my eventual lands and vassals then the original recipe. seems the real reason ol’ Bobby boy was sent to the Vale was to try to hide the family embarrassment, until he could be fixed by the oh so honorable Arryn, or he had an unfortunate end by some pissed off hillmen. 

So no Vale for me, they actually sent Stannis, which makes more sense. instead of sending the eventual lord away, where he can’t forge a good working relationship with his eventual vassals or find a local suitable wife, they send the second son to make connections. Contrary to the story I was turning into the ideal heir; studious, but not too antisocial, polite and personable, but not too approachable, talented at arms, but not too uncontrollable, I was just about right. 

How does a modern women turn into an ideal medieval male heir, well the answer is as ridiculous as being in Westeros,

Status  
Robert Baratheon  
Lvl: 13  
HP: 357  
Fury: 9670  
ST: 850

Well, turns out there’s no mana for us stags, but ours truly is the fury. It’s like having a second supped up stamina pool. ridiculous feats of strength...sure, keep fighting after your arm is almost cut off....no problem, tank that food poisoning...walk in the park, give me more. 

It’s also great for poison resistance training. Since It’s impossible to drink myself to death(I’ve tried) I figure the queen bitch of mean girls will be more proactive in her endeavors to top me off if I can’t put a nix to those not so happy nuptials.

I mean if I could count on her to give me a couple real heirs and maintain some sanity(and dignity), I wouldn’t mind if she continued to fuck her brother, as long as she took moon tea, one of us could be somewhat happy.

But from what I remember of the books and hearing about the tv show, it only takes a very short trip for her to get to crazy town. 

There might be no drunk texting here, but there is drunk ravens...ravening...are drunk ravens....whatever...

I just had my maester send Tywin and King Dread my new treaties on dog breeding....I am sooooo dead.

I will admit that I took up dog and horse breeding so I could give both the Lannister’s and the Targaryens the royal middle finger salute. Writing about the dangers of inbreeding on the physical and mental heath of the colts and pups is vastly amusing. 

How Tywin managed to justify marrying his first cousin after having a front row seat watching the parade of royal rejects, who the hell knows. All of his children are damaged, they have personality disorders, learning disabilities, and all the stuff wrong with the imp...and Tywin only has himself to blame for the raging dumpster fires his children are. What a great legacy he’s leaving. 

I just needed something to cheer me up since Stannis is convinced I should marry his best friends little sister, yeah no. 

I don’t want to marry some spoiled hypocritical bitch whose just going to run of with a married man, who’s like my second cousin twice removed or some shit. That there is some Springer shit if there ever was. While the south might be strong in me, that there is a hard no. 

I got better things to do, like drink ALL the booze(cause I can) and try to avoid becoming king(cause I don’t wanna).

I want to stay in the stormlands with my hammers, my horses, my booze, my dogs, my sheep, and my semi functional flush toilets(I’m working on it).


End file.
